One way ticket to hell please?

This is a short note to all the bus drivers in the world.

Why are you all so miserable? Why does it take you so long to see that people need to get to places and it's only at the end of your cigarette that you realise the big machine infront of you is supposed to be driven by you, not now, but 10 fucking minutes ago.

I have a £5 note and I'm very sorry to tell you but that is still legal tender where I come from and you are obliged to accept it however reluctant you are. That large amount of change you have next to you is for people like me so don't give me that look of 'I'm wasting your time' when you could just accept this magical little piece of paper and exchange it for those little silver things next to you.

What the hell have I done to you? Made you late? Stopped you from getting to you local hang out with your driver buddies, which is yet another bus that you just sit in and watch the time whilst hundreds of people are queing for you. Nobody else. Just you. Put your cigarette down and yes all the checks are done for the 8th time and the bus still has four wheels so drive the bastard thing! No wonder we don't look happy going on. It's your fault and now it's your fault that the world hates you. Do you have something better to do? No because your only skill is navigating a large vehicle through traffic with the same IQ as the PSI in your tyres (that's the air in those big round things that move around in a circle beneath your bus)

As someone said to me once - "If you don't like your job then fuck off!". Needless to say, I did and maybe you should to.

...I'll have a return to the city center please.

2009 and you

Two Thousand and Nine or as it's more commonly know 2009. This year is going to be as eventful as the the last year in the style of 'Nothing Happened'. Nothing really interesting happened and nothing changed the course of history.
"Here lies 2008 - The year of fuck all where the most uproar was from two twats from the TV insulting another person from the TV"

The only saving grace from the past year is that Barry Obama is going to rule the world (AKA America). Hopefully he will have more sense in him and be able to run a country without turning the world into a mass of students pleading for an overdraft to pay their rent. Of course, there is bound to be some obvious reason for this but most people from the West will blame the Middle East and how we all had to buy guns incase one came over to surprise us at dinner time. But don't take it from me, let's ask Michael Moore seeing as he knows fucking everything!

We are all in an economic and financial crisis due to our love for black gold. This time it is America's fault though. The 3 biggest industries in America are oil, tobacco and porn. The problem is you need the oil for the car in order to go to the shop to buy your tobacco and porn, so we're all fucked.

I'm telling you all this because I am knee deep in my books of Self Help Information Technology (S.H.I.T) I have to revise and write stuff. I then have to revise what I wrote because I have the short term memory of a 25 watt bulb. And on that note...

Your friendly neighbourhood help desk

I am doing a degree in Forensic Computing. This is a fantastic course apart from one minor detail and this is telling people what course I am doing. Every single bloody time somebody asks me what I am doing at university I reply with "Forensic Computing". Apparently, this means that I am now the person at the help desk for BT, AOL, Tiscali, Pipex and as of tonight, Waitrose. Therefore I present to all those with minor Internet problems, the following statement:

I do not care about your crap router or why your Internet page cannot be displayed. You fucked it up you can bloody un-fuck it up. Try turning it on for a change or maybe connecting one thing to the other. I do not study a module called 'Help Desk'. No, I study things that make these help desks possible so that you morons can communicate with the people who want to hear your problems. Now piss off and read the manual.

Drama Student Wannabe

I thought I should share this with the world as it was just beautiful:

Earlier, I was sat on the bus, waiting for it to leave to town. There was another bus in front of us and was rather full so about to depart. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a student running in a style of a fat man (the one where they look as if they're running with a bunch of invisible boxes). I saw him run down the ramp towards the bus stops and thought to myself "Is he going to make it? What is his reaction going to be if he doesn't make it?". Well thank the non-specific deity that he missed it! He was just steps away from the bus as it slowly drew away. He waved his hands furiously at the driver and passenger but to no avail. The bus carried on it's departing journey and this poor poor student raised his fists in the air in the same way that someone would shout "Why God Why?!". He then proceeded to drop to his knees in front of a crowded bus station and literally scream "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!". It was like Platoon all over again... you weren't there Man. You weren't there.

The All Nighter

Here it is - The All Nighter.
Victims: Charlie Watson, Ben Crossman
Location: CEMS, UWE
Purpose: Java

Relentless, computers, pro-plus and some ginger biscuits. What could go wrong?

2130: Realise we missed the last bus home.
2135: Went for food and drink supplies to last until the shop re-opens
2150: Commence Blog action!
2154: Charlie found a really comfy chair and Ben is jealous
22:21: Tiredness setting in - Ben went to search for "Charlie" on Facebook and wrote "java". Charlie was not impressed.
2225: Charlie learns that NetBeans is NOT a spell checker;
2226: Charlie realised that he put ';' after the previous post... too much java
2310: Charlie finishes a stage and celebrates by going to the toilet
2321: Ben is losing his mind therefore Relentless has been issued
2322: Ben - "Why why why why why why why you shouldn't be showing that.... I know why! Because I'm a tosser. Would you like to see my error?"
2336: Ben asks "Which symbol is more than?". Charlie stares at Ben with a disapproving look
0010: Ben needs the toilet. Charlie is on Relentless after finishing another stage. Nic says go home... We haven't
0015: Ben cracks open his vomit between 2 slices of bread
0020: "We should make a GUI in Visual Basic to track the IP address!" - lovely reference there
0030: AC/DC time... for those about to code, we salute you!
0105: Re-read the specification. It's Muller Crunch Corner time.
0126: Common Sense is rapidly deteriorating
0157: Charlie is feeling really tired. Ben is pretty much crying over The Hobbit bit of his code
0205: Charlie has a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell!
0206: "Charlie look at this - nothing wrong with it... oh wait"
0227: Bring on the Quo! (Caroline - Status Quo) - Still urging to write a ';' at the end of every post
0240: Charlie went for a wonder and got creeped out and wired from caffeine
0300: Oh for fuck's sake it's 3am
0301: Ben is complaining alot about overdosing on caffeine - fool
0303: Charlie had to edit Ben's Facebook status because he got that wrong too
0325: PRO PLUS IS KICKING IN just in time for Surfin' Bird haven't you heard?
0425: Big come down from caffeine. Minimal effort. Meh!
0519: Took an hour to write 5 lines of code. Charlie wants to go to bed now.
0555: Ben nearly explodes with needing the toilet. Charlie begins Relentless phase 2...
0630: Relentless phase 2 has done nothing apart from make me look at the pretty can
0640: Charlie is getting dangerously low on ginger biscuits
0658: Really fucking bored of Java now
0745: Charlie has gone to see if it is daylight.
0746: It is
0749: Fuck it. we need to get out of the building
0835: We both return to a computer
0836: Charlie decides to go home...

Solution to everything

If plan 'A' doesn't work then move immediately to plan 'B', which is think of plan 'C'

Trust me, I know a Doctor

Moral. We're all lacking it these days partly due to the lack of funds within the world but mostly due to the fact the Piers Morgan is still alive.
This is what I think we should do to keep our moral up.

1. Clothesline a cyclist
2. Shout out the window "HEADS UP!!!" and count the number of people cowering.
3. Slow down for a hitch-hiker... then speed up again as they get near.
4. Salute a bus
   
5. Get drunk upside down. If you can do it then you'll know how cool you are
6. Clothesline two cyclists
7. Confuse the elderly
8. Do the safety dance on a zebra crossing
   

I'm a genius with a headache

"I don't remember but I did remember to tell you that I've forgotten so that's nice"

Me, just now. You see I'm nice like that

On form

"I would have done it. I would have danced with your cat too if I had the chance"

The best thing I have said all week

>1 of us

It's not just me doing this rubbish. Read this thread. Don't comment on it because it's above you

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/photo.php?pid=465448&id=510402556&ref=nf

World in 10 points

Here is a summary of the world up to 23rd October 2008, summed up in 10 lovely numbered points:

1. US citizens are still dramatically unpopular despite the coming of what seems to be a black Jesus.
2. Nobody gives a shit about Kerry Katona
3. The iPhone is still a piece of crap and has less use than a wasp taped to a balloon.
   
4. Britian still has a leader with the inteligence of a small leaf
5. Recession fears. Blame small leaf. Everyone else does
   
6. Piers Morgan is somehow still alive. Sort this out
7. High School Musical III has dawned on us. May God have musical mercy on us all
8. Iraq still exists and forces continue to "Whoops!" against the desperate and the needy
9. Not heard much from Bush for a while. He's probably trying to tell the difference between Boris Johnson and an Albino Spaniel
10. I don't care
    

And why not?

So, it's 2008 and we have made a massive machine that can now hurl particles together at a tremendous speed. Apparently this is so that we can, in theory, re-create the Big-Bang. Here are some reasons why they are wrong:
Firstly, the Big-Bang. It happened once and it was so awesome that it happend in space. Not in fucking Switzerland. Keep to your skiing and making little knifes
Secondly, you might create a Black Hole. I never want to hear those 6 words put together. If you have even the slightest chance of breaking the bloody Universe then fuck off! Stay away from the big red button saying "GO!" becasue that's what they'll have.
Thirdly, you're probably all members of SkyNet and you'll just end the world anyway.
Lastly, why are you spending so much money on this? Great you can fire things at each other. That is only fun when you hurl gas and fire together. That'll give you a big bang!

Save your money and spend it on something useful like building me a flying a car

Jog on

I've got Chinese food and you can fuck off because you're not having any

Pro-procrastination

Why am I here? Not as in a lame 'is there a God?', 'What's the meaning of life?' or 'Just how is Bruce Forsythe still alive?'. Perhaps it could be to procrastinate from work when I know that all I have to do is produce a small presentation. Yes it's for tomorrow but how else can you learn to produce things under pressure unless you leave them to the day before they have to be in? (Don't answer that).

What i've done in the past 5 mins to count towards professional procrastination
1. Write the above in a small part
2. Talk over MSN
3. Solve world hunger
4 Write the above in a small part
5. Justify my reasons for solving world hunger
6. Realise that I left out the '.' after point 4 but decided to leave it for continuity and also to give me a 6th point

Incase you were wondering, this is how I solved world hunger:
I'm not telling you.

Answers

It's the end of the month. It's not significant but I thought I should let you know because I'm nice like that. Ironically, if you think otherwise then you're a twat.

Revolving blades of terror!

People are trying to stop wind turbines being built on Bodmin Moor for fear of damage and terror caused to Horses.

Now I need to understand this. 1 wind turbine is 125 meters tall. The average height of a wild horse is about 2 meters at most so they are in no particular danger unless the horses decide to perform some sort of horse pyramid. If for some reason there was a 125 meter tall horse then I really don't think that the wind turbines are going to be our first port of concern.

The horses will be fine. There is no giant horse. The current horses cannot perform complex athletic tasks. If you disagree then you're a moron.

>>>WARNING HORRENDOUS PUN ALERT<<<

Better yet, you're a MOORon

Sorry.

Charlie's Law

There has been much dispute over common interests and some uncommon interests. This has created the demand for a new law to govern peoples' actions and control their thoughts. This law is correct and if you don't believe me then read Act 1 of Charlie's Law. There are not many acts to Charlie's Law primarily due to Act 1 being the control.

Charlie's Law

Act 1
It is because I say it is

Act 2
Information is deemed true if the person(s) commits the phrase "Charlie told me" to the end of their speaking sentence

Act 3
Thomas Southey is correct all of the time unless his statements or actions conflict with Act 1 of Charlie's Law.

Act 4
If you are building anything and somebody asks you what you are building then you must reply with the words "A brick", pause, clap your hands once, followed by the word "House"

Act 5
If one associate of Formation Nose is in the room then they are vastly superior than you

Act 6
If two associates of Formation Nose are in the same room then they are superior than anybody within a 30 mile radius

Act 7
If all three associates of Formation Nose are in the same room then they are vastly superior than anybody within the '6 degrees of separation' theory. Especially you.

Act 8
If you don't like what you see here, get the funk out.

Act 9
Disobeying Charlie's Law will result in Max Armstrong melting your face and taking you soul to the confines of his guitar for all eternity.

Act 10
The phrase 'Shred like a mother' MUST be used with extreme caution. Doing so causes Max Armstrong to unleash his army of trapped souls and potentially melt your face and in some extreme cases impregnate you.

Act 11
Having read Act 11 of Charlie's Law, you are now pregnant.

Act 12
The number 83 is property of Formation Nose

Act 12a
Should any topic have any direct relevance to the number 83 then the relevant topic is now the property of Formation Nose (Including non-material topics i.e. conversations).

April

April is my way of saying nothing

Idiom-syncratic nature

The ruddy English language is annoying me now. It is due to the Idioms that I dislike the English language but especially this one -

"The pen is mightier than the sword" - No it isn't. If you have ever held a sword then you will realise that they are extremely heavy and also quite sharp. It was also used to decide arguments appropriately. By this I mean hundreds of men running at each other with these swords and then the last ones standing, or most number of limbs, win. Can you do that with a pen? No. Well you can but it would take ages and we'd all get bored. The only time when a pen was used in a fight was in The Bourne Ultimatum and it looked awesome but that is the only time. How many pen crimes have you seen in the news recently? None. How many knife crimes? Hundreds. surely this is enough evidence that people would prefer to use a knife as a weapon instead of a pen. If not, then you had better tell the Government so that they can ban pens froms schools as well as knives. That'd be fun.

Somebody listened

You know I just can't think of anything to properly write here so I'm just off on a whim. Somebody actually quoted "The front fell off" to me yesterday. I look of horror appeared on my face when I realised that somebody other than my colleague reads this bloody thing. I still have to ask - WHY?!?!?! At what point does a famous jazz musician get to a point in his life where he mentions my moments of boredom in a club that actually wants to eat your shoes and then probably sell them on to fund the club owners' silly amount of flashy cars... Not a bad idea that. Errrrrm yes anyway - famous jazz musician in sticky club and quoting this pile of rubbish whilst he drinks a beer which contains a small floating model of the harbour patrol boat. I was a few bottle of beer down so this was quite surreal to me but I decided to go with the flow. It's ruddy ridiculous I tell you.

Other things happened including seeing a very famous bass string machine player appear who plays for Muse. He look like Jason Lee from My Name is Earl and somewhat odd. People have a mutual feeling for this person. Everyone tries to act cool and casual around him as if he is just another person but you know deep down that they all just want to jump on him and scream their face right off until he decides to fuse the two heads together and then drift off into the sea to become some sort of wizard.

The famous jazz musician went on to fight an epic battle against some noise. I was going to write a story about it but I thought it was silly.

Check it, clart!

Did the front fall off?

RE: Sneezing

An associate of mine came to me this morning and asked "Do your sneezes still smell like honey?" At first I was thoroughly confused by what he said but then it twigged to me that I made a blog and posted it on Facebook therefore I say this to you:

Fig1.
"Thank you, Sir. You've now made the worst mistke of your life. You are now one of three people that have seen my problems. You unwittingly intruded into my moment of boredom and my own personal moment of thought. I now have no privacy. You have ruined me. Cheers."

Yeah I wrote about my sneezes but I didn't know anybody would read these pointless moronic statements! If you are not the associate (Not in a weird spy type person) then well done you have stumpled upon problems. Please read Fig1 and apply it to yourself then realise how silly your time has become.

CCDE - Charlie Can't Do Efficks

This is how much I am not doing my CCDE coursework. I'm bloody writing about writing about not writing about it.

I have just learnt that a blog is supposed to be about what ever you want. This is why I made one and this is why I am writing it. I probably would have sworn then if it wasn't for the knowledge that someone might come across it and think "He swears. He hits his girlfriend regularly. He drinks alot. He has the intelligence of a large rock". Don't worry it's not true. I'd say the intelligence of a boulder. Again no I don't hit people especially not my girlfriend. I can't believe that I even have to explain this but I am just becasue of effikks.

Now you see, this is what a blog is about. You write about what ever you want or what ever comes into your head. Unlike the bee thing I wrote about last time. They came OUT of my head not IN. Anyway all of this captial OUT and IN words are making me think of Computer Systems Architecture and making me want to staple my face to something dramatically on fire. Harsh but fair I think you'll find.

The point I'm getting at is that I'm tired. Good night.

Oh and the ethics joke is dedicated to anybody who wants it... END

Bees and my nose

I have decided that there are bees alive within my head. I believe this becasue I have just sneezed and my actual sneeze smells like honey.